In a conversation with my cousin tonight, I called myself fat.
I looked at my statement, the bold black-on-white comment in the chat window, and I felt like I'd slapped myself.
I'm not 'fat'. Sure, I may carry 10 pounds more than I want to, the Body Mass Index may say I'm unhealthily overweight, and I may not fit into my jeans as well, but I'm not fat.
And here, I'm going to contradict myself, even as I try to clarify. I think that 'fat', as I used it, is an unfortunate, insulting term that hurts feelings and should be spurned. And I know this and embrace it, so I wondered why I would say something like that.
So I thought about that, even as my cousin said, "Uh, what the hell are you talking about?" and I decided that how I'm really feeling is angry with myself.
I'm angry with myself because I have been lazy and gluttonous the past six months. I have done nothing that I wanted to do, six months ago: to keep running, to keep eating healthy, to join a gym and work on my cardio and musculature. I'm not living up to the promises I made myself. And that makes me angry with me.
Six months later, I am at the end of my tether. I woke up depressed, and thought this is not the way to keep going.
So, as Paolo Nutini sang, I got a pair of new shoes. And tomorrow, I'm going to run 2km. Baby steps, but more than none. I'm going to go back to six months ago, and keep that promise, and get working on it again.
I'm tired of being angry with myself. I want to love myself again.
Showing posts with label exercise. Show all posts
Showing posts with label exercise. Show all posts
Monday, October 18, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Excuses, Excuses
I have decided, five months after my victorious half marathon, that I am great at excuses.
I am good at the big excuses: I shouldn't run because I just had eye surgery, or I just finished a race (okay, the first is a reason, but I still didn't run, so it qualifies).
I am good at the little excuses: I'm tired, my apartment is warm and it's cold out there, I didn't eat right, I have to eat first, I'm busy and can't fit it in.
All sorts of little excuses that pile up into big lay-overs between races and getting fit for races. Now I should direct my attention and willpower (as little of it as there is sometimes) to overcoming these excuses.
It's hard to make excuses when I take my running gear to work. That helps because it's going to be the same length of time as the bus, I enjoy the scenery more, and I'm getting fit at the same time. Go me!
Now that I'm moving further away from work, I'm going to have to find new ways to avoid the usual excuses and 'reasons'.
What excuses have you come up with, or how have you overcome them?
I am good at the big excuses: I shouldn't run because I just had eye surgery, or I just finished a race (okay, the first is a reason, but I still didn't run, so it qualifies).
I am good at the little excuses: I'm tired, my apartment is warm and it's cold out there, I didn't eat right, I have to eat first, I'm busy and can't fit it in.
All sorts of little excuses that pile up into big lay-overs between races and getting fit for races. Now I should direct my attention and willpower (as little of it as there is sometimes) to overcoming these excuses.
It's hard to make excuses when I take my running gear to work. That helps because it's going to be the same length of time as the bus, I enjoy the scenery more, and I'm getting fit at the same time. Go me!
Now that I'm moving further away from work, I'm going to have to find new ways to avoid the usual excuses and 'reasons'.
What excuses have you come up with, or how have you overcome them?
Saturday, February 6, 2010
This Past Week of Running
As mentioned in my last post, the half-marathon running clinic started this week. I also started a diet and fitness regime, with the help of SparkPeople.
The first night of the clinic was... interesting. I had planned to leave a full 30 minutes before, so I could drive downtown (alas, I can't attend the Bank St. clinic, due to conflicting schedules), find a place to park, get into the store and rest easy.
But as many plans go, this one went wrong from the moment I sat down in my car, because the car wouldn't start. I had left the ceiling light on, and drained the battery to nadir. :P Fortunately, my friend in the building was home, and was able to boost me. So useful to know someone in my apartment building!
I got downtown about 15 minutes later than I had wanted, and finding parking was a lot easier than I'd feared it to be. When I got in, the room was packed! Yes, there's going to be a lot of people in this half-marathon group. The problem will be hearing the group leader at all.
The first run was 3k, and it was strange running the other direction. Turns out, 3k from either Running Room store winds up at the Pretoria Bridge. It was an interesting run... It was cold out there, but there were still a lot of people walking, or coming back from skating, or even running like us. I felt a bit wobbly this run, and my knees felt a bit weak, as if my body was saying, "What? We're running this speed why?" Perhaps I've been too genteel to it recently.
The next day, my right knee ached, so I decided not to use the university treadmills. I could have used a cycling machine, but decided to rest the knee completely and apply ice when I got home, which is what I should have done right after the clinic. Lesson hopefully learned.
In the topic of other exercise, I have joined, as I mentioned above, SparkPeople, a fitness and nutrition tracking website. There are a lot of these websites around, like FitDay, but I found SparkPeople to be shinier and prettier colours. Also, when I used FitDay, they just tracked what I ate. SP also suggests meal plans, organizes the foods into shopping lists, and compiles the day's tracked foods into daily reports and tells you what you're doing right, what you need more of, and what you need less of.
On the fitness side, it advises work-outs according to your goals, provides demo videos of exercises, tracks your cardio and how many calories you've burned, and tracks your weight and measurements.
There's also a lot of community groups on SP. I just joined one for '20-somethings looking to lose 25-49lbs' and a group for half-marathoners.
Having followed SP for a week, I have lost 3lbs, which is encouraging, but there's so much more to go!
My inspiration for this sudden goal (which has been nesting at the back of my mind) is my sister: in a year and a half, she trimmed down from 200+ to 144lbs, and though I really don't think I'll follow her methods (some of the things boxers do to cut weight is a bit too extreme for me), the results are amazing. I decided that with time and dedication, I can do that too.
Also, the exercises are kinda fun.
The first night of the clinic was... interesting. I had planned to leave a full 30 minutes before, so I could drive downtown (alas, I can't attend the Bank St. clinic, due to conflicting schedules), find a place to park, get into the store and rest easy.
But as many plans go, this one went wrong from the moment I sat down in my car, because the car wouldn't start. I had left the ceiling light on, and drained the battery to nadir. :P Fortunately, my friend in the building was home, and was able to boost me. So useful to know someone in my apartment building!
I got downtown about 15 minutes later than I had wanted, and finding parking was a lot easier than I'd feared it to be. When I got in, the room was packed! Yes, there's going to be a lot of people in this half-marathon group. The problem will be hearing the group leader at all.
The first run was 3k, and it was strange running the other direction. Turns out, 3k from either Running Room store winds up at the Pretoria Bridge. It was an interesting run... It was cold out there, but there were still a lot of people walking, or coming back from skating, or even running like us. I felt a bit wobbly this run, and my knees felt a bit weak, as if my body was saying, "What? We're running this speed why?" Perhaps I've been too genteel to it recently.
The next day, my right knee ached, so I decided not to use the university treadmills. I could have used a cycling machine, but decided to rest the knee completely and apply ice when I got home, which is what I should have done right after the clinic. Lesson hopefully learned.
In the topic of other exercise, I have joined, as I mentioned above, SparkPeople, a fitness and nutrition tracking website. There are a lot of these websites around, like FitDay, but I found SparkPeople to be shinier and prettier colours. Also, when I used FitDay, they just tracked what I ate. SP also suggests meal plans, organizes the foods into shopping lists, and compiles the day's tracked foods into daily reports and tells you what you're doing right, what you need more of, and what you need less of.
On the fitness side, it advises work-outs according to your goals, provides demo videos of exercises, tracks your cardio and how many calories you've burned, and tracks your weight and measurements.
There's also a lot of community groups on SP. I just joined one for '20-somethings looking to lose 25-49lbs' and a group for half-marathoners.
Having followed SP for a week, I have lost 3lbs, which is encouraging, but there's so much more to go!
My inspiration for this sudden goal (which has been nesting at the back of my mind) is my sister: in a year and a half, she trimmed down from 200+ to 144lbs, and though I really don't think I'll follow her methods (some of the things boxers do to cut weight is a bit too extreme for me), the results are amazing. I decided that with time and dedication, I can do that too.
Also, the exercises are kinda fun.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Clinic starts tomorrow!
I'll admit that I haven't been running as steadily as I'd hoped before the start of the clinic. In fact, 'intermittent' is probably a better word than 'steadily'.
The clinic is starting, regardless of my fitness level. Fortunately, we start slow and steady; three runs of 3k this week, and 7k on Sunday. I've been doing 3-4k, so that's not a big concern.
My goal race is the Ottawa Race Weekend half-marathon, for a time of 2 hours and 15 minutes. I don't mind if it's less, I just want it to be better than my last race, which was 2 hours and 38 minutes.
I ran with my sister for a while on Saturday. We were in Ste-Hyacinthe for her boxing National Championships, and there was one huge difference between me and anyone else who ran: I was in a shirt and a pair of shorts, and the boxers were in long sweats and covered to the nines. Most of them were trying to sweat their way to making weight, which is a huge part of boxing.
Normally, I'd think this is absolutely crazy! And then I saw my sister and her friends in the hot tub and was amazed. They looked fit and amazing. I thought, if they can do that, why can't I?
So I'm going to take it up another level, and find an online personal trainer to use three days a week. The question is, which one?!?
The clinic is starting, regardless of my fitness level. Fortunately, we start slow and steady; three runs of 3k this week, and 7k on Sunday. I've been doing 3-4k, so that's not a big concern.
My goal race is the Ottawa Race Weekend half-marathon, for a time of 2 hours and 15 minutes. I don't mind if it's less, I just want it to be better than my last race, which was 2 hours and 38 minutes.
I ran with my sister for a while on Saturday. We were in Ste-Hyacinthe for her boxing National Championships, and there was one huge difference between me and anyone else who ran: I was in a shirt and a pair of shorts, and the boxers were in long sweats and covered to the nines. Most of them were trying to sweat their way to making weight, which is a huge part of boxing.
Normally, I'd think this is absolutely crazy! And then I saw my sister and her friends in the hot tub and was amazed. They looked fit and amazing. I thought, if they can do that, why can't I?
So I'm going to take it up another level, and find an online personal trainer to use three days a week. The question is, which one?!?
Sunday, January 17, 2010
First Run Back with the Running Room
I marshaled my forces this morning, and made myself go to the Running Room for the first time in months. Since it was my first run in so long for so early in the morning, I had to carefully choose what to wear: my long winter running pants, an undershirt, my long sleeve half-marathon shirt, and my running jacket. For -1C, I felt a touch chilly, because the wind was pretty cold.
Getting there with a few minutes to spare gave me enough time to kick myself for having missed out on great social opportunities, to reacquaint myself with old friends, and to figure out which group was where. With a new manager, the style of sending groups out has changed, but I still got the same warm feeling of being among friends.
Since the half-marathon group was scheduled to do 6km today, I joined them. They were going a bit longer than I had wanted to, but I knew the run path very well. I dropped back a bit, as the pace leader was faster than I wanted to go, and started talking with the half-marathon clinic leader. I'm delighted that we talked, because she's leading the marathon clinic at the Slater St. store, where I'll be taking my half-marathon clinic in February.
My run, while thoroughly enjoyable with conversation, was cut to about 5.5km, because both my knees and my right Achilles tendon were aching. I know I'll have to start my knee-strengthening exercises, and sooner or later, I should consult with my athletic therapist.
Another race I am thinking of partaking in is the St. Patrick's Day 5k/10k on March 15th. I don't honestly know what distance I'll do; if it was on a Sunday, I would do the 10k as a long-run, but since it's a Saturday, I may just do the 5k for fun.
Now, I am warming up at home, as I never do well with cold winds and exercise. Stay warm out there!
Getting there with a few minutes to spare gave me enough time to kick myself for having missed out on great social opportunities, to reacquaint myself with old friends, and to figure out which group was where. With a new manager, the style of sending groups out has changed, but I still got the same warm feeling of being among friends.
Since the half-marathon group was scheduled to do 6km today, I joined them. They were going a bit longer than I had wanted to, but I knew the run path very well. I dropped back a bit, as the pace leader was faster than I wanted to go, and started talking with the half-marathon clinic leader. I'm delighted that we talked, because she's leading the marathon clinic at the Slater St. store, where I'll be taking my half-marathon clinic in February.
My run, while thoroughly enjoyable with conversation, was cut to about 5.5km, because both my knees and my right Achilles tendon were aching. I know I'll have to start my knee-strengthening exercises, and sooner or later, I should consult with my athletic therapist.
Another race I am thinking of partaking in is the St. Patrick's Day 5k/10k on March 15th. I don't honestly know what distance I'll do; if it was on a Sunday, I would do the 10k as a long-run, but since it's a Saturday, I may just do the 5k for fun.
Now, I am warming up at home, as I never do well with cold winds and exercise. Stay warm out there!
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Common Sense > Stubbornness
As a follow-up to yesterday's post, common sense totally trumps stubbornness.
When I woke up this morning, I didn't feel so much as a twinge from my hamstring. I will credit to going no faster than a walk yesterday.
This morning, the weather was -6 with wind chill, but I dressed warmly on top and in my new running capris. Turns out that was a good idea - doing 7km in that weather is enough to bring a sweat but not to overheat. And nary a complaint from the hamstring.
The knees were not pleased at not being stretched out, though.
In other news, I now have an exercise ball! My AT and I have been talking about it for a while, and I decided to take the plunge. It's a trusted brand, Everlast (they do a lot of boxing gear too), comes with a DVD, inflating instructions, two-way pump, and the ball. All for $20 at Walmart.
Can't wait for my first full work-out!
When I woke up this morning, I didn't feel so much as a twinge from my hamstring. I will credit to going no faster than a walk yesterday.
This morning, the weather was -6 with wind chill, but I dressed warmly on top and in my new running capris. Turns out that was a good idea - doing 7km in that weather is enough to bring a sweat but not to overheat. And nary a complaint from the hamstring.
The knees were not pleased at not being stretched out, though.
In other news, I now have an exercise ball! My AT and I have been talking about it for a while, and I decided to take the plunge. It's a trusted brand, Everlast (they do a lot of boxing gear too), comes with a DVD, inflating instructions, two-way pump, and the ball. All for $20 at Walmart.
Can't wait for my first full work-out!
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